|
The following chapter is the complete text excerpted from What to do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of
Traumatic Loss, by Bill Jenkins.
The Checklist
There are eight things that
you need to immediately consider. These essential guidelines are summarized here and are
dealt with in greater detail in the next chapter. Go to the page shown for more
information on a specific topic. Later, you may want to read some of the other chapters
which will help you understand what to expect further down the road.
1. First, if you have not done so already, start gathering
your support system around you. (Page 17)
 | You will need to express strong emotions and talk about what has happened and how you
feel. It is not healthy to suppress these natural urges. It is important to have trusted
friends and family around who can listen to you. |
| People will want to help in many ways. Be sure to set some limits on those helping with
housecleaning. |
2. Second, have a support member start notifying the people who most need to
know. (Page 18)
| Notify those who can most easily contact others for you. |
| People who are frail or may react badly to the news should be notified in
person if at all possible. |
| Talking to children about the death must be handled especially carefully.
If possible, read the chapter on "Children and Grief" before talking to them. |
3. Next, identify those in your support system who will be responsible for
protecting your privacy with the media. (Page 19)
| You may be approached by reporters. Determine how you will deal with
their questions. |
| Decide whether you want to watch the news coverage on your case or not. |
| You may want to record news coverage for later. |
4. Try to get some rest and start thinking about your health. (Page 23)
| Contact your family doctor to talk about your health as soon as possible. Meeting with a
grief counselor may be recommended. |
| Get time off from work-related responsibilities if possible. You will be easily
distracted. Be extra careful on the job and while driving. |
| Do not try to maintain an appearance of false strength. Be honest with others about your
emotions. Nobody expects as much from you as you do right now. Take it easy on yourself. |
| Recognize that everyone grieves differently. |
| Do not fall into the trap of feeling guilty about an event which you could not
have affected. |
| You will experience physical and emotional effects of grief beyond your control.
Be prepared for them. |
| Get regular exercise, eat well, and get proper rest. |
| Be wary of those who may try to take advantage of you. Never give out credit card
numbers or personal information over the telephone. |
5. Funeral arrangements will need to be made soon. (Page 29)
| Religious observances may need to be communicated to the authorities and those handling
the body of your loved one as soon as possible. |
| Be sensitive to the input of those close to your loved one when making arrangements, but
keep the number of decision-makers to a minimum. |
| Have family members request information on bereavement rates for travel on major
carriers. |
6. Talk to the police further. (Page 31)
| Discuss the case with them cooperatively. |
| Treat the information they share with you as confidential so the
investigation is not jeopardized. |
7. Other difficult things you may be called upon to do: (Page 32)
| Identifying the body will be emotionally difficult. Have someone go with
you if you have to do this. |
| If you are a witness, you may need to be questioned by the police and
others. |
| Make priorities for what is most important right now and don’t do
less important things. |
| You may need to reclaim personal belongings. |
| If you relocate, make sure the police know how to contact you. |
8. Dealing with other legal matters related to the death: (Page 34)
| The funeral director will obtain the death certificate and help you
determine how many copies to ask for. |
| If a will exists, locate it immediately. |
| Begin dealing with the associated costs of the death. |
| Begin filing insurance and other related claims. |
| Don’t make life-changing decisions right away or without consulting
with a trusted advisor. |
| You may want to consider a memorial gift or request contributions in your
loved one’s memory. |
Each item above is discussed
in more detail beginning on the pages given. If you have time, take a look at these now,
and read some of the later chapters when you have a need for them. You do not need to read
this book from cover to cover in one sitting. Take it in bite-size pieces and take your
time. Be gentle with yourself, that is important right now.
It is time to begin getting to know this new
companion called Grief. It will be with you for quite some time. Many people ask,
"When will I be the way I was before this happened?" No one can give you an
answer to that question right now. You must simply take one day at a time and concentrate
on realizing the best possible outcome for yourself using the resources available to you.
These resources are of two types. Internal, or your
personal resources – the ones you bring with you based on what kind of person you
are, your beliefs, your strengths and weaknesses, and your personality. And External, or
your support system – the people around you, support agencies and organizations, your
doctor, your family, your friends, your clergy, the books you read, the meetings you
attend, and anything else which helps you with this major transition in your life.
You will get through this. You will get
through the days ahead as all of us have, one day at a time – one hour at a time if
need be. You will discover that you have strength that you never knew existed. Don’t
give up hope in yourself, your support system, or the situation.
     
[Home] [Up] [Men and Women in Grief] [Funerals]
[How to Help a Friend] [Organizations]
|
